these days pass with the blink of a eye...

BEEP. BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP. This is the sound of what so many of us wake up to on a daily basis.  Some of us wake up to a melody, or maybe even the radio, but in general, many of us wake up to some sort of an alarm... EVERY morning.  Maybe its not a machine, maybe its your child, or your pet, or maybe its a loved one in need.  Regardless, most of us wake up to "something" in the morning.  Sometimes we want to turn it all off, and some times we awaken refreshed and ready to face the day ahead. 

Since being in London, I have noticed some changes in the way that I view my day.  I have noticed some changes in the way people around me view theirs.  I can often displace myself from the stresses that others are feeling, but at times, I can't help but get caught up in the hussle-bussle of it all. 

I had a moment yesterday when it hit me, and then I laughed at myself and actually said out-loud " wow, Sandy, that was not you at all" and I actually felt a small bit of guilt.  As was driving, a car had jumped out in front of me on a road where the speed is about 70, and they were doing a MAXIMUM of 20.   I got caught up in the thoughts of  " what the hell are these people doing" and honked my horn... when normally my thought process would have been something a little more empathetic and understanding.  It felt weird. 
I acted as if my time was more important than someone elses.  And lets be  honest, no one's time is more important than anyone elses.  We're all born, and we all exist in this same world, and time passes for all of us collectively. What we choose to do with our time is what makes us all different. 

Focussing on what's next seems to be the trend of today.  Lately, I have been realizing that I cannot keep focussing on whats next, mainly because it seems to clog up my brain.  Instead I have been focussing more on the task at hand.  Realizing that I am human, I am not superwoman, nor am I good at multi-tasking, I need to focus more on what I am doing as opposed to what I am going to be doing.  Make sense?

I kept finding myself in situations where everything would just come to a complete halt, and I was perpertually asking myself the same thing.. over.. and over.  "Why is everything NOT getting done?" well, it wasn't getting done, because I would get so caught up in what had to be done, and then when I would get faced with the opportunity to get work done, I couldn't focus on the one task that I needed to focus on. 

Instead I would think about ALL of the things that needed to be done. 

I am not sitting here preaching about "living in the now" or anything like that.. but what I am saying is slow it down.  Our moments, our days, our years are going by so incredibly fast.  The people we love are coming in and out of our lives, and sometimes we don't even realize how much time has gone by that we haven't seen them, spoken to them, asked them... and I mean reallly asked them "how are you doing"... and then we wonder we have become such a stressed out society.  Well, it's because we are too busy spending so much time thinking about the next task that needs to be done, and not giving ourselves the time that we deserve. Not giving ourselves the time to focus on what we're doing.  Also, lets not forget, that what we're doing should be those things that bring us joy, those things that make us feel accomplished, motivated, inspired and driven. 

We're too busy trying to multi-task, we're too busy making money, only to spend it on the next gadget that looks the exact same as the last one we bought. 

I feel like I could go on for days about this, but I won't.   But I will continue and say this.  In this past week, I have been really trying to focus on what I am doing.  It has made things a lot more enjoyable.  It has allowed me to truly enjoy, embrace and understand what I am doing, and more importantly, WHY I am doing it. 

I think I have mentioned in a previous post that I have an immense love for doing nice things for others.  There have been a few instances in my life where my mind was simply on auto-pilot, and when I saw something that I remembered someone had told me they wanted, I would just buy it.  I would get a gratifying feeling that would make me feel good inside.  I would 'just-know' and Feel that I was doing something I enjoyed.  I don't think that this habit will ever stop, but what I have noticed since I've made the choice to focus more on my tasks at hand was that it was even more enjoyable that I ever thought imaginable.  This may seem so strange, but believe it or not, it's so true.

I feel that this seems to be the trend whenever I am back in London.  I remember being in St John's this summer.  Some nights we would stay up until 2,3,or 4 o'clock in the morning, chatting and enjoying one anothers company and not being immersed in the next task at hand.  I remember some afternoons I would come home, and we could say "yeah, its 3pm, lets have a nap"... these moments were so enjoyable.  Being able to  exist in those moments gives true meaning to life. 

The simplicity that life CAN offer, but we choose to over-complicate in so many ways.
The beauty that the people in our lives CAN offer, but we're too busy to embrace.
The joy that we  CAN have in truly getting to know ourselves in the mesh of the world, but we're too busy.

Slow it down... and enjoy.

beauty comes from the being within...

Up until this point in my life, the question of "Who Am I?" never really crossed my mind.  Maybe once in a blue moon when I was experiencing some sort of epiphany, or maybe even when I was under the influence of some sort of mind-altering substance, but the thought was never something that ever invaded my thoughts. 

Over the course of the past year however, the question is certainly much more prominent in my mind.  I think it may have to do with the fact that I have noticed that many of the people around me do not seem to know who They are.  I am noticing this more and more each day.

I know who I am.  I know what I believe in.  I know what I love and I know what I hate.  I know who I am in this world.  I may not have the slighest clue where I want to be in my life in the future, but I certainly know that who I am as a person does not change.  I don't change from person to person.  I am me, and I am thankful for that.  All of this being said, I am human, and I think I am pretty good at gaging certain situations. So, of course in certain situations with elders, superiors, friends and family, there are slight differences in my persona.  But in all of these situations and scenarios, Sandy is Sandy.  She does not change.  Some of my vocabulary may be slightly altered in order to not offend anyone, but my honesty, my integrity, and my morals are in no way, shape or form comprimised.  I am me. 

I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for those people who alter themselves for the people around them.  I wish these people would simply love themselves, and realize that if someone does not like them, that is perfectly fine.  What would this world be if we were all the same.  If we all liked the same things? There would be no passion, no individualism.  As time progresses, the world is becoming this enormous brewing pot of universality.  WHY? DON'T DO IT! Be Yourself, Fool!

Ever since my childhood, I have managed to take on some sort of a maternal role.  I have played the Mom-Role in countless scenarios and different dynamics.  That was how I would define myself in the world at an extremely young age.  At times this is my favourite part about myself, but at some points in my life, it can be my detriment.  Since my previous break-up one of that largest hurdles that I had to overcome was my desire to take care of someone.  As time continues to pass, I am learning that I am a "someone" too, and I deserve to take care of myself.  Despite the stress, despite the confusion and sadness that has led me to this realization, I could not be more thankful. 

So, back to my initial  reason for starting this post today.  Do you know who you are? How do you define yourself? Are you real? Or are you only real based on circumstances? Do you only invest in certain situations when you know you're going to benefit from it? Or are you consistent in your being?

I am asking these questions because these are the thoughts that pass in and out of my mind as I see people around me pop in and out of my life whenever it seems convenient. 

Being an extremely intuitive person, I can often catch on to these things.  I am aware that I am a person who may not always "seem" like I am paying attention, but believe it or not, 99% of the time, I am, and in that time, chances are I am thinking... pretty profoundly about what is being said to me, and whether it is something that I truly believe, or whether I feel it is complete and utter rubbish.  Facades are my forte.  I can usually tell when someone is simply putting on a face, or whether they are genuine.

Side note.... This only seems to apply in the "friend" and "aquaintance" worlds of my life... I am not so good at gaging romatic situations.... This is something that I figure will just eventually make sense.  I don't particularly see the need in investing too much thought into romance.  It will happen when its meant to happen.

Ok, so back to what I was saying...this being said, I can often times see and feel if a person if putting on this facade because they have become so lost and so immeresed in the idea of pleasing others, that they have managed to lose themselves along the way.  Sad times. Really

I guess these are just thoughts that have been in my mind over the past few months, and at times, these thoughts would embed some anxiety into my life, but as these thoughts would come in an out of my brain, the one thing that remained the same was that I knew who I was in this world, and at the end of the day that would resonate positvity in my life.  I was allowing the uncertainties of others exhaust my thoughts, but realizing that was a complete waste of energy has been... beautiful.. really. 

I guess what I am trying to get at here is... be yourself.  We all have our strengths, and we all have our weaknesses, and in our own little ways, we are all beautiful beings.  Being individual is important, no two human beings are exactly the same.  We have all be loved, or unloved, twisted and straightened out, built-up and broken down, lost and found, and shattered and refurbished in some way in our lives. This is what defines our paradigms and the way we see the world.  It is ridding ourselves of the biases that we expect others to expect and being the person that we love. It's about being YOU, and being proud of that. 

Yes. Yes. and More Yes.

Well, I guess today is the day that I decide to share some thoughts... It's been too long.  Again. 

As of late, things have been.... well.. wonderful. Operation Awesome. Success.  YES!

I am not entirely sure when things took their turn, but they did, and I could not be more thankful. 

As I chatted on the phone last night with a friend, I mentioned to her that I had decided to be the "Yes Woman"... internally of course.  I am not prancing around with a tag on my shirt proclaiming myself the "Yes Woman", instead I am choosing to say YES to pretty much any opportunity that comes my way. When the little scaredy-cat voice inside my head says "you shouldnt do this" I shut it off, and just give er'.

Now, at times this can be really scary, but I can honestly admit, that in all cases that I have said Yes since this revelation, I am finding pleasure in things that I never particularly thought possible.  Up until these past....6-7 months, I was that person.  I was the Yes Woman who took charge, who was not afraid, who took every challenge that came her way... but then as things slightly changed, I guess I became more fearful, and less confident.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that even if I had of failed before.. there was always someone who I thought would love me unconditionally... so the fear of failure wasn't as scary.  Now, it in the single realm of the world, I guess it just took me a little longer to realize that at the end of the day.. despite the potential failures, I have to just love myself. 

To give you a little idea of the little things that scare me.. here goes.  Don't Judge

1. Driving in chaos.  (Faced that fear and drove to Toronto TWICE) I survived. YES!

2. Letting someone at the gym guide me through a work out (Not sure why it scares me. But saying YES was an awesome, awesome decision)

3. Saying yes to Frozen Yogurt almost every day for 5 days (that scares me.. mainly due to the fat-factor... *sigh*)
4. Spontaneously buying myself something nice. (This often instills some fearful feelings inside of me.... mainly because there are other things that I Could spend my money on) But I said yes, and I love my new slacks! Yes!

Now, you should do the same.  What is the worst thing that could happen?

Really, really, think about the worst possible scenario.  Now think of that, and realize that even if a certain scenario is an Epic Failure, you've have gained an experience, and chances are it will be something for you to laugh about in hindsight.

Yes is the best.