these days pass with the blink of a eye...

BEEP. BEEP.BEEP.BEEP.BEEP. This is the sound of what so many of us wake up to on a daily basis.  Some of us wake up to a melody, or maybe even the radio, but in general, many of us wake up to some sort of an alarm... EVERY morning.  Maybe its not a machine, maybe its your child, or your pet, or maybe its a loved one in need.  Regardless, most of us wake up to "something" in the morning.  Sometimes we want to turn it all off, and some times we awaken refreshed and ready to face the day ahead. 

Since being in London, I have noticed some changes in the way that I view my day.  I have noticed some changes in the way people around me view theirs.  I can often displace myself from the stresses that others are feeling, but at times, I can't help but get caught up in the hussle-bussle of it all. 

I had a moment yesterday when it hit me, and then I laughed at myself and actually said out-loud " wow, Sandy, that was not you at all" and I actually felt a small bit of guilt.  As was driving, a car had jumped out in front of me on a road where the speed is about 70, and they were doing a MAXIMUM of 20.   I got caught up in the thoughts of  " what the hell are these people doing" and honked my horn... when normally my thought process would have been something a little more empathetic and understanding.  It felt weird. 
I acted as if my time was more important than someone elses.  And lets be  honest, no one's time is more important than anyone elses.  We're all born, and we all exist in this same world, and time passes for all of us collectively. What we choose to do with our time is what makes us all different. 

Focussing on what's next seems to be the trend of today.  Lately, I have been realizing that I cannot keep focussing on whats next, mainly because it seems to clog up my brain.  Instead I have been focussing more on the task at hand.  Realizing that I am human, I am not superwoman, nor am I good at multi-tasking, I need to focus more on what I am doing as opposed to what I am going to be doing.  Make sense?

I kept finding myself in situations where everything would just come to a complete halt, and I was perpertually asking myself the same thing.. over.. and over.  "Why is everything NOT getting done?" well, it wasn't getting done, because I would get so caught up in what had to be done, and then when I would get faced with the opportunity to get work done, I couldn't focus on the one task that I needed to focus on. 

Instead I would think about ALL of the things that needed to be done. 

I am not sitting here preaching about "living in the now" or anything like that.. but what I am saying is slow it down.  Our moments, our days, our years are going by so incredibly fast.  The people we love are coming in and out of our lives, and sometimes we don't even realize how much time has gone by that we haven't seen them, spoken to them, asked them... and I mean reallly asked them "how are you doing"... and then we wonder we have become such a stressed out society.  Well, it's because we are too busy spending so much time thinking about the next task that needs to be done, and not giving ourselves the time that we deserve. Not giving ourselves the time to focus on what we're doing.  Also, lets not forget, that what we're doing should be those things that bring us joy, those things that make us feel accomplished, motivated, inspired and driven. 

We're too busy trying to multi-task, we're too busy making money, only to spend it on the next gadget that looks the exact same as the last one we bought. 

I feel like I could go on for days about this, but I won't.   But I will continue and say this.  In this past week, I have been really trying to focus on what I am doing.  It has made things a lot more enjoyable.  It has allowed me to truly enjoy, embrace and understand what I am doing, and more importantly, WHY I am doing it. 

I think I have mentioned in a previous post that I have an immense love for doing nice things for others.  There have been a few instances in my life where my mind was simply on auto-pilot, and when I saw something that I remembered someone had told me they wanted, I would just buy it.  I would get a gratifying feeling that would make me feel good inside.  I would 'just-know' and Feel that I was doing something I enjoyed.  I don't think that this habit will ever stop, but what I have noticed since I've made the choice to focus more on my tasks at hand was that it was even more enjoyable that I ever thought imaginable.  This may seem so strange, but believe it or not, it's so true.

I feel that this seems to be the trend whenever I am back in London.  I remember being in St John's this summer.  Some nights we would stay up until 2,3,or 4 o'clock in the morning, chatting and enjoying one anothers company and not being immersed in the next task at hand.  I remember some afternoons I would come home, and we could say "yeah, its 3pm, lets have a nap"... these moments were so enjoyable.  Being able to  exist in those moments gives true meaning to life. 

The simplicity that life CAN offer, but we choose to over-complicate in so many ways.
The beauty that the people in our lives CAN offer, but we're too busy to embrace.
The joy that we  CAN have in truly getting to know ourselves in the mesh of the world, but we're too busy.

Slow it down... and enjoy.

beauty comes from the being within...

Up until this point in my life, the question of "Who Am I?" never really crossed my mind.  Maybe once in a blue moon when I was experiencing some sort of epiphany, or maybe even when I was under the influence of some sort of mind-altering substance, but the thought was never something that ever invaded my thoughts. 

Over the course of the past year however, the question is certainly much more prominent in my mind.  I think it may have to do with the fact that I have noticed that many of the people around me do not seem to know who They are.  I am noticing this more and more each day.

I know who I am.  I know what I believe in.  I know what I love and I know what I hate.  I know who I am in this world.  I may not have the slighest clue where I want to be in my life in the future, but I certainly know that who I am as a person does not change.  I don't change from person to person.  I am me, and I am thankful for that.  All of this being said, I am human, and I think I am pretty good at gaging certain situations. So, of course in certain situations with elders, superiors, friends and family, there are slight differences in my persona.  But in all of these situations and scenarios, Sandy is Sandy.  She does not change.  Some of my vocabulary may be slightly altered in order to not offend anyone, but my honesty, my integrity, and my morals are in no way, shape or form comprimised.  I am me. 

I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for those people who alter themselves for the people around them.  I wish these people would simply love themselves, and realize that if someone does not like them, that is perfectly fine.  What would this world be if we were all the same.  If we all liked the same things? There would be no passion, no individualism.  As time progresses, the world is becoming this enormous brewing pot of universality.  WHY? DON'T DO IT! Be Yourself, Fool!

Ever since my childhood, I have managed to take on some sort of a maternal role.  I have played the Mom-Role in countless scenarios and different dynamics.  That was how I would define myself in the world at an extremely young age.  At times this is my favourite part about myself, but at some points in my life, it can be my detriment.  Since my previous break-up one of that largest hurdles that I had to overcome was my desire to take care of someone.  As time continues to pass, I am learning that I am a "someone" too, and I deserve to take care of myself.  Despite the stress, despite the confusion and sadness that has led me to this realization, I could not be more thankful. 

So, back to my initial  reason for starting this post today.  Do you know who you are? How do you define yourself? Are you real? Or are you only real based on circumstances? Do you only invest in certain situations when you know you're going to benefit from it? Or are you consistent in your being?

I am asking these questions because these are the thoughts that pass in and out of my mind as I see people around me pop in and out of my life whenever it seems convenient. 

Being an extremely intuitive person, I can often catch on to these things.  I am aware that I am a person who may not always "seem" like I am paying attention, but believe it or not, 99% of the time, I am, and in that time, chances are I am thinking... pretty profoundly about what is being said to me, and whether it is something that I truly believe, or whether I feel it is complete and utter rubbish.  Facades are my forte.  I can usually tell when someone is simply putting on a face, or whether they are genuine.

Side note.... This only seems to apply in the "friend" and "aquaintance" worlds of my life... I am not so good at gaging romatic situations.... This is something that I figure will just eventually make sense.  I don't particularly see the need in investing too much thought into romance.  It will happen when its meant to happen.

Ok, so back to what I was saying...this being said, I can often times see and feel if a person if putting on this facade because they have become so lost and so immeresed in the idea of pleasing others, that they have managed to lose themselves along the way.  Sad times. Really

I guess these are just thoughts that have been in my mind over the past few months, and at times, these thoughts would embed some anxiety into my life, but as these thoughts would come in an out of my brain, the one thing that remained the same was that I knew who I was in this world, and at the end of the day that would resonate positvity in my life.  I was allowing the uncertainties of others exhaust my thoughts, but realizing that was a complete waste of energy has been... beautiful.. really. 

I guess what I am trying to get at here is... be yourself.  We all have our strengths, and we all have our weaknesses, and in our own little ways, we are all beautiful beings.  Being individual is important, no two human beings are exactly the same.  We have all be loved, or unloved, twisted and straightened out, built-up and broken down, lost and found, and shattered and refurbished in some way in our lives. This is what defines our paradigms and the way we see the world.  It is ridding ourselves of the biases that we expect others to expect and being the person that we love. It's about being YOU, and being proud of that. 

Yes. Yes. and More Yes.

Well, I guess today is the day that I decide to share some thoughts... It's been too long.  Again. 

As of late, things have been.... well.. wonderful. Operation Awesome. Success.  YES!

I am not entirely sure when things took their turn, but they did, and I could not be more thankful. 

As I chatted on the phone last night with a friend, I mentioned to her that I had decided to be the "Yes Woman"... internally of course.  I am not prancing around with a tag on my shirt proclaiming myself the "Yes Woman", instead I am choosing to say YES to pretty much any opportunity that comes my way. When the little scaredy-cat voice inside my head says "you shouldnt do this" I shut it off, and just give er'.

Now, at times this can be really scary, but I can honestly admit, that in all cases that I have said Yes since this revelation, I am finding pleasure in things that I never particularly thought possible.  Up until these past....6-7 months, I was that person.  I was the Yes Woman who took charge, who was not afraid, who took every challenge that came her way... but then as things slightly changed, I guess I became more fearful, and less confident.  Maybe it had something to do with the fact that even if I had of failed before.. there was always someone who I thought would love me unconditionally... so the fear of failure wasn't as scary.  Now, it in the single realm of the world, I guess it just took me a little longer to realize that at the end of the day.. despite the potential failures, I have to just love myself. 

To give you a little idea of the little things that scare me.. here goes.  Don't Judge

1. Driving in chaos.  (Faced that fear and drove to Toronto TWICE) I survived. YES!

2. Letting someone at the gym guide me through a work out (Not sure why it scares me. But saying YES was an awesome, awesome decision)

3. Saying yes to Frozen Yogurt almost every day for 5 days (that scares me.. mainly due to the fat-factor... *sigh*)
4. Spontaneously buying myself something nice. (This often instills some fearful feelings inside of me.... mainly because there are other things that I Could spend my money on) But I said yes, and I love my new slacks! Yes!

Now, you should do the same.  What is the worst thing that could happen?

Really, really, think about the worst possible scenario.  Now think of that, and realize that even if a certain scenario is an Epic Failure, you've have gained an experience, and chances are it will be something for you to laugh about in hindsight.

Yes is the best.

“You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result ”-Gandhi

Each day we are faced with so many decisions that we hardly even notice we are making.  Some of the answers just come so naturally.  When you go to the grocery store, you’re making decisions for your health and well-being.  When you’re walking or driving, you’re making decisions on which route to take, and you’re subconsciously deciding how aggressive or subtle you choose to be.  When you’ve arrived at your destination, you’ve made a decision to go there.  You get what I am saying.  So these are simple, mindless decisions, but what happens to the decisions that take a lot more thought, a lot more energy, and a much deeper thought process?

You pose the questions in your head.  What do I do? What happens if I do this? What happens if I don’t?  What happens if I consciously avoid this at all costs?  WHAT IF?

I feel like as of late, I have been forced to make number of those decisions... and thus far, I am relatively pleased with my decision making.  I feel like the decisions that we make reflect the type of people that we are, they reflect our strengths and our weakness, and above all, our ability to grow and learn.  I am not sure if I have stated this before, but I am not one to regret.  If I make a decision, chances are I am going to stick with it, and if I choose to take a different route, then I surely have a good reason as to why that decision was made. 

Here is a little story that I feel poses two enormous decisions.  I know, I know, I am talking about kids, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Ken Dolls; but read on, and you’ll see that there are situations in our adult lives that we are left wondering what to do... and believe it or not, relatively similar. 

So you are a mother of two children. You have a boy, and a girl.  You give the boy a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Figurine.  You give the little girl a Ken Doll.    The boy decides that he is going to give his sister the TMNT figurine because he feels that it is the right decision. The boy has other TMNT figurines that he can play with, and he does on a regular basis. 

So by the books of the Toy-God, if you give a toy away, you can no longer play with it, because if you do, that will make you a bad child, and Santa won’t come find you this Christmas.  The story goes on...

While the family is around, the boy plays with his other TMNT’s and completely disregards the toy that he gave away to his sister.  As time goes on, he beings to think to himself, that he really wishes he could play with his TMNT Figurine, but he knows that if he does, Santa will not find him.  So then his Mom and his Sister go out one evening and he is left at home, all alone to do whatever he pleases.  Because no one is around, he sneaks into his sisters’ room, and plays with the toy for as long as his heart desires.  He is satisfied and loves that he got to play with his TMNT, and no one will ever find out.

 Thoughts?  Should the child be honest to his sister, to himself, and simply say that he made the bad decision and face the risky consequences of losing more toys, or does he deal with his lack of fulfillment and continue on?

The mother, being extremely intuitive knew that her son was going to take such actions while she and her daughter were out.  When Mom came home, she discussed with her son what he had done.  Out of sheer disappointment, and a slight touch of anger for his dishonesty, she told him she was going to take away all of his TMNT Figurines.  Now the mother is left feeling extremely guilty, but she does not know what to do. 

Something to think about. 

Decisions are tough.  We never want to run the risk of losing everything, but why are we so apt to take the risk of being unhappy? 

When you have to put your foot down, and end the dishonesty, how far do you go?  To what extent do you know that you’ve made the right decision?  Do you allow the people around you to be gluttons, and have their cake and eat it too?

I think you get the point.

 There are often so many sides to a decision, and I think that decision making is an enormous part of who we are as individuals.  They teach us an enormous amount about ourselves, and believe it or not, they teach us a lot about the people around us.  When you are subject to others making good decisions and poor decisions, you are able to see what they are capable of, and that in turn affects your decision making around that specific person.  The magnitude of decision making is certainly undermined in my opinion. 

I feel like I could go on for days about decisions, but I think I have gotten my point across.  It’s a pretty interesting concept if I do say so myself. 

On a side note- operation awesome continues.  Life. Is. Awesome. So is this picture.

As days go by we often forget one important thing.. Appreciation.

So, I kind of disappeared.  Didn’t mean to.  I guess I got carried away by life, and wasn’t giving myself the time that I needed.  Me time.  Its important you know. 

Thanksgiving happened.  It was amazingJ  I had a wonderful weekend.  Maybe a few too many treats, and not enough exercise, but it was well worth it.  Great company, great friends, and great food; what more can one ask for?

I know it’s the right season and all, but the word appreciation has been running though my mind over and over again these past few weeks.  Especially since “Operation Awesome” has been in effect. I am feeling rather appreciative of many things. 

I feel blessed to have my health, my family, my friends, yoga,  my classmates, healthy food, clean water, access to everything and anything I could possibly imagine..... annnnd an unlimited supply of frozen yogurt.. yummmJ

Despite the “garbage” that seems to occur to all of us at times, how can we not be thankful?

Just a thought.

 Any of you who know me, are well aware of the type of person that I am.  I take it in.  I take in the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I absorb my own life’s little problems, and for some forsaken reason, I often feel the need to bury the burden of others. 

This is definitely a key factor of this Operation Awesome I speak of.  I need to let some of these things go, and I need to give myself... Me time. No I don’t mean time to laze around, or be a bum, but time to write..(like I am right now) and getting my thoughts out to help clear this recurring thought-jam.  I must say though... things are certainly becoming more promising.

 Again, how could my life not be awesome? There are so many things to be thankful for. 

I must also admit I am a sucker for company.  I love having people around.  It makes me happier than words can explain.  Its the friends that I can do anything, or nothing with that seem to make life that much more glorious.  You all know who you are, so thank you for being you. I think as individuals we all need these types of friends... when we sometimes to struggle to find the right words, or struggle to make sense of a situation, it is these people in our lives that help make the pieces fit. 

I even love my strange ‘stranger encounters’.  I am not entirely sure what I have written on my face at times, but I absolutely love when these encounters occur.  I love when someone just feels OK talking to me and letting it out.  I think they somehow know that I actually do care... I don’t get it, but it makes me feel.... right. 

I feel like tonight’s post is a bit of a scatter, I guess that also defines me.  Do you ever catch yourself thinking about a million things at once, feeling passionate about all of those thoughts, then just not really being able to sort them out? Well, if so, write it out.  I’d be lying if I said that this wasn’t like some sort of therapy.

I think that the ultimate conclusion to this post is to appreciate what you have.  Regardless of the things that seem to slap us in the face left, right and centre, remember that it is these things that help us grow, they help us have a better understanding of who we are, who we are not, and who we want to be.  Embrace the feelings, understand them, and let go of being the victim.  Instead, take control, and realize that it is these stepping stones that make us stronger, wiser, and a hell of a lot more... awesome J

Operation Awesome.... continues..

So Operation Awesome is......... pretty awesome. 

I think starting this blog was a brilliant idea, and I have to thank my friend Lauren for this immensely.  THANK YOU LAUREN!

Today started off slightly differently than what I had anticipated.  I slept in a little later than I had initially planned, but I feel rested, and refreshed.  Life is good!

I mentioned yesterday that I was making a slight alteration to my program.  I did it.  Wow.  I feel so much better about this decision.  I will give you a slight overview of what I was doing, and what I plan on doing now.  Initially when I moved to London, I came to school thinking I wanted to be a Registered Dietician.  I fortunately got accepted to the program on my first attempt.  To my demise however, I didn't take such a good look at the curriculum.  I was not aware that I would be doing 4 Chemistry courses... which were never my forte to say the least. This picture depicts the havoc that the sciences would wreak into my life........

In my head, and in my heart, I knew that I was not completely in it.  I feared going to Chemistry every day for the fear of failing... and believe it or not, I failed.  I failed it the first attempt, I just passed at the second attempt, and while I was on my third attempt... I thought to myself, is this what I really want? Is this really worth all of this time and energy?  I sat myself down and finally had my moment. 

I realized that what I wanted to do with this degree did NOT require being a Registered Dietician.  Believe me, I think being an R.D. is pretty cool, but not for me at this point in my life.  OK, so I switched programs.  I am still specializing in Food, but I am also specializing in Families.  Pretty cool stuff in my eyes.  I get to learn about food, and families, and I don't have to sit through all of these science lectures that manage to suck up every ounce of energy and positivity in my life. 

The point here is, I still get to do what I want with this degree.  I get to work with kids, I get to help people, I get to be active and interact with people every day, AND it includes food.  Awesome. 

I also signed up for another volunteer position today to fill up some more time, and I am pretty excited about it, and it is extremely relative to what I plan on doing in the future.  It is a research project, so as time goes on, I will give you some more details! It's about food, people, and behaviours... what more could I ask for? 

Time to change the subject.  I had mentioned yesterday that I was feeling rather overwhelemed by the the thought of relationships and love.  Well... that hasn't really changed. 

I am certain that most, if not all of us have felt funny feelings regarding relationships, what they mean, what they don't mean, and whether or not they are worth it.  If you haven't experienced any of these emotions... then, well.. that is pretty awesome. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you felt so sure of yourself, you are so sure that making this decision is so right, then the moment it is done, you think to yourself..."shit, what have I done?" I think this often happens in relationships.  This is where a big-fat question mark comes into play in my mind.

So, you have made this decision, it seemed like the right one building up to it, and then moments after the decision is done, you're left feeling an abundance of regret and fear.  Are you afraid of being alone? Or are you afraid that you won't find someone to love you the way you were once loved? Or are you afraid that you may get hurt somewhere down the road? Or are you afraid of hurting someone else?  Or did you just let go of the best thing that has ever happened to you?

So many of these questions run through my head.  THEN... I think back to a conversation that I once had with a friend.  He and his girlfriend had been in a slightly rocky situation.  One day they were together, the next they were not, and when they were not together, they seemed to move on relatively fast.  He said to me..."But Sandy, if she actually loved me, why can she SO easily move on to someone else?"  This perpetually rings through my mind.  And this is where the question of what love is comes into play. 

If you love someone, is it really that easy to move onto someone else? Why are you moving on so quickly? Is it because you cannot bare the feeling of being alone? Or is it because you need the constant reassurance of being loved and needed.  I don't really get it. 

Wow.  Heavy Stuff. Sorry.  But have you been through these feelings? Does it ever make you fear your future?

It's kind of funny because I am such a huge fan of love.  I often think I love too much for my own good.  My heart melts so easily, and I often get caught up falling in love with some of the simplest things in life. I think this is something that I like about myself. 

For example, cooking.  I absolutely LOVE cooking.  What I love more than cooking is cooking for other people, and seeing them smile as they eat my creation.  Very rarely I get some funny looks, and I get a question like "Sand, what is this?"... that's a dead give away that what I have concocted wasn't so delicious, but that doesn't bother me.. I'd rather just move past it, and  keep cooking other tastier foods, and feeding people things that I know are healthy, hearty, and made with love. 

As my blog grows, and I become more blog savvy, I may start putting up my recipes, and I might start posting ideas regarding health, wellness, and over all happiness.

This past summer,  I created a small recipe book of my own personal recipes.  Maybe I will throw a few of them on here every so often.

Now that I have let all of this out, I am off to get started on some much needed studying. 

I still can't seem to get over this concept of blogging.  I know that so many people write for so many different reasons, but I just find this so relaxing, and it defintiley helps me organize the thoughts in my brain. I am feeling  a great sense of appreciation for this... maybe that what I will talk about tomorrow... appreciation.

Today... there is a much smaller "thought-jam." Operation Awesome continues..:)

Operation... Awesome

Hello All,

This is my first time actually writing a blog, and well, to be honest, I am really excited. 

I see this as a positive thing that I will be doing for myself as a means of de-stressing, and giving the world a better idea of who I am... for those who care anyways. 

I suppose I can start off by giving you a brief summary of me.  I am an enormous lover of life.  I think life is such a glorious thing, and it bothers me when I feel like I am not appreciating the fact that I was given this life, and I ought to enjoy it.  I am currently in my 5th year of University, and well, I don't think I am meant to be a student.  This studying thing is not my forte.  I would much rather be interacting with others, moving around, being active, helping people, going to the gym taking a yoga class, or just learning about things that I choose to learn, not so much the things that I am Forced to learn.

I think I have just made it pretty clear that physical activity is an enormous part of my life. Health, Fitness and overwall wellness in my opinion are the pillars of life.  Without our health, what are we left with? Not a whole lot.  I go to the gym on a regular basis, I love cooking and eating healthy foods, I practice hot yoga, and I just love being outside.. especially if I am dressed appropriately for the weather.  I am typically very chilly, so sometimes its hard to keep warm. 

I am also a huge sucker for interaction.  I love people more than words can explain.  Humans are incredibly interesting to me.  Humans are extremely complex, and I find the biggest challenge is figuring them out.  I like to think that I can often read what a person is like upon initial interaction, but I seriously get a rush when I can't figure them out, and I often choose to give these types of situations more time in order to have a better understanding. 

My absolute favourite thing about people is when they open up to me.  My life actually becomes a million times brighter when I know that someone can confide in me.  I take pride in letting people know that what they share with me is sacred.  I take pride in knowing that I am an honest, open person, and people feel comfortable talking to with me.  For those of you who know me.. you know this is my absolute favourite.  As I continue blogging I will delve a little deeper into that realm of Sandy.  I often attract strangers... who feel something around me, and just open up for a few minutes. They come into my life, let it out.... and with the nod of a head, or a gentle hug or hand-shake... they are gone... I hope they are feeling more relief, because I know that when these occurances take place, my heart is  much happier than it was previously. 

I hope that makes sense, and you have a better idea of me.  Now on to other things.

I know I enjoy writing, and I often times catch myself writing these types of things in a small journal, that I end  up forgetting about.  I figure this way I will have some sort of a record of what is occurring in my life, and I can look back, and appreciate moments that I choose to share on here.  All in all.  I am excited. 

OK. so I am now in London, back to school, back to the grind.  It's been a busy start to say the least and there have been a few hard patches.  First and foremost, the hardest thing about being here is missing my St John's family, my loved ones in Fredericton, and my brother.  I could not be more thankful to have spent my entire summer with such incredible people. You all know who you are, so THANK YOU! The transition from such a warm, loving, accepting atmosphere that I experienced this summer, to this less warm, less loving, less accepting, and extremely competitive environment opens up my eyes, and forces me to recognize who I am, who I am not, and where I want to be at the end of this journey...

Now, I guess I'll go on to explain the school stuff.  Well, it's busy.  Very busy, and I often get caught up in too many ideas at once.  This is where "Operation Awesome" comes into play.  I am taking a full course load, I am making a slight alteration to my program, I am volunteering with 3 wonderful organizations... and well, I am also trying to take care of myself.. which I keep mananging to put on the back burner.  Now, back to Operation Awesome... this is where I make the  choice to look after myself, to allow my thoughts to  come in and out of my brain without creating a serious "thought-jam".  I find this interesting that I am even writing this out, because I am typically not one to get mustered up in emotions or negative, overwhelming thoughts.  I guess we all break sometimes. 

So, here I am... publicly writing about me.  This is such an interesting concept to me...

Another thing that has been managing to consume a lot of my thoughts....  Relationships...  Oddly enough, in my eyes I view relationships as being a positive, beautiful thing.... but for some reason, all of this relationship stuff is also bogging down my brain.  Not fun.  Having moments to myself where I cannot distinguish between what love really is, and whether or not I was truly loved plays a serious role in the thoughts that make up the "thought-jam" I think that with time these things manage to work themselves out, and the answers become exceptionally evident, but I guess it is the waiting game that leaves us feeling slightly..... lost.

I look back at the moments that I was here in London, alone, for the months of April-June.  I had a strength that has managed to slip out of my hands.... slightly... but I am definitely grabbing it back... now..

I was in school, and hating every moment that was spent sitting in that auditorium for hours upon hours listening to my professor elaborate on atoms, redox reactions, equilibrium, and everything else that means absolutely nothing in my mind...  But regardless of whether I was enormously detesting those moments, I was still happy.  I was taking care of me.  I was going to the gym every morning, I was preparing my food for the next day, I was getting myself to bed at a reasonable time, I was meeting new people, letting people into my life,  I looked at myself in the morning and would say to myself "despite the  shit that I am about the listen to today, life is awesome".  It really is. 

Operation Awesome Begins Now.